In case anyone in the world is wondering, this site has been closed for some time now. I have grown much since the last post here. If you care to see what life now holds for me, please visit any of these sites:

suigenerisedit.wordpress.com

theforgottenbookreview.wordpress.com

To visit my personal blog, please visit:

theelectronicpen.wordpress.com

I hope you all are well and to see you again soon on the other side... or my other sites.

K

I don't think I've ever been this bored. Or felt this useless. Or this worthless.
It is official: I actually want a job.
I think I miss school.
Oh no...

I'VE FINALLY GRADUATED!!! WOOHOO!!!

Actually - just 6 weeks to go until graduation.
Finally. :)

2 down. 1 to go. Well, 1 and a summer. But maybe not...
Who really knows anymore?

Wow. I've missed you, my precious first site.... awwwww how cute ARE you!?!? :-D

Ok, so there are tons of people out there who are using Blogger for amazing reasons and political articles. I feel like I am abusing a/o wasting this brilliant invention. Oh well. I AM an American.

So I start school tomorrow. School. Again. When will it end? The world may never know...
I am so nervous. I have done this many times before, but this time there is so much riding on my preformance and in the spring I will have a wedding to plan... Things just seem totally out of my control and that scares the hell out of me. And I am tired. Tired of school, tired of other people telling me that I can or cannot write, tired of being a mindless machine walking accross campus.
3 down. 2 to go.

Tonight, I had to let go of one of the best and closest friends I have ever had in my life.
I don't think that anything has ever felt as painful to me as that moment when my heart ripped off a little chunk and left it lying in my driveway.
I will miss you, like I would miss my own right hand, Pete.
It was nice knowing you while it was.
Thank you...

I GOT ENGAGED TONIGHT!!! :-D IT IS FINALLY OFFICIAL! I AM GOING TO MARRY DAVID HAYWOOD!!! :-P Mrs. Keri Haywood..... oooooooooOOOOOOoooooooo ;)

I would just like to say that I have officially been on Blogger for THREE years now! :-D Yay! This is Blogger and mine three year anniversary. Bravo for free speech and even freeer bitching and expressionism. This is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. :-) So, Happy Anniversary Blog. May we have three more glorious years together...

What is going on? Why am I a magnet for the wounded? Where is the signal I am sending off so that I can smash the damn thing? Maybe my life seems good to others so they think I have all the answers. Or, maybe people know I have been through alot and they can count on good advice. Or, then again, maybe people know that I am honest and trustworthy and I am the only person they can turn to. But I think this is all flattery. I am just as screwed up as the next person, if not more. I do NOT have all the answers. I am not God nor am I perfect (Which some will argue is one in the same thing.). I cannot solve everyone's problems when I have problems of my own that I have been carrying around with me since infancy. I just can't do it. I'm sorry. The sad thing is that I want to help, and when I don't I feel guilty and afraid I'm about to lose that friendship. I don't want to spurn people or shun them but they hound me so fast and so fiercely that I am left with no choice but to "escape" from them for the sake of myself. Others will read this and wonder what kind of friend I am. Some will think me not their friend at all but an enemy from unexpected territory.
What can I say? I'm sorry. I am only human.
Only that, and nothing more.

Oh my word. I am SO bored. SO incredibly bored. Blaaaahhhh boooorrrrddddooommm. Bordius Maximus. I am seriously sitting here contemplating hitting my head on my desk for fun. I am waiting, sadly to have that fun. You know when there's only five minutes or so until you get to go somewhere but those are the LONGEST five minutes of your day. It seems to me that in those five minutes you can clean your apartment, make a meal, eat that meal, clean out your purse, and change your outfit once - THAT'S how long it feels. Except, my purse and aparment are clean, I am waiting to go out to eat, and I like what I am wearing. Hence, boredom. An extreme sense of boredom. Maybe this bordom is laced with the fact that RIGHT now certain people have boarded a cruise ship and are eating lovely food amidst a beautiful ocean while I am left here to comtemplate hitting my head against this desk for fun. And I've come full circle. Woo.
All the more convincing of my five minute arguement is that I had time to bitch about all of this and STILL hit my head against the desk for fun. Neato.

Do you ever have those days when you get up and think to yourself, "today's going to be a good day;" then, by about 9 o'clock in the evening you are like "shit"?
I do.
Today was one of them.
I sometimes get the overwhelming feeling that I can't change the world. That for some reason God has placed me here to view a bunch of messed up people or mishaps in the world but has left me powerless to neither help nor fix anything or anyone. All I can do is to keep smiling, and after awhile - well - you know what it is like to smile for a long time. Your face starts to hurt. Really bad.
Why can't I be capable of change, of producing change, of inciting people to care?
I am powerless and I have front row view to all that goes on around me.

Do you ever feel like life just isn't going to get any better? That no matter how you look at it, everything is just not going to look up or turn a bend for "the better"? That maybe, just maybe, this is as good as it gets, and it's not that great?
Yea. I feel ya.
I am looking to the end of something yet it feels like it is a million and a half miles off the coast of nowhere. And yet, here I am, still plugging away at it like it's going to absolutely kill me if I simply stop. The funny thing is - I know it won't kill me if I stop. There's just this force.
Do I sound crazy?
Of course I do.
Now, back to it.

After many hours I have finally come up with about 20 pages worth of writing for my portfolio. I have about 10-15 pages more. Not to mention my 22 pages on top of that figure for school. I don't think I have ever written this much in my life. Hah - let me rephrase that - I don't think I will ever have written this much in my life, cause let's face it - it's not over yet.
Yet.

If only the little help button in the upper right hand corner could actually help me.

PS: Ok, if I can hold it all together everything will be fine. I am not suicidal I am just a girl. If my boyfriend and I, my portfolio all come through - then I will know that I am not doomed to fail. God must be up there somewhere rooting for me. He must be. I just have to focus on what He wants me to do and not get distracted by all these other things and people going on around me. It's not about luck; it's about work, and I know that. I just wish that this would come a bit easier for me.
I almost don't want to say anything to make Him mad. Like I might jinx myself. As though things I have done in the past can jinx me in regards to God. I am so very afraid. So so afraid.
Please God. Please.

Ah, a New Year has finally come...

Why do some people think that they can rule other people's lives? What is it that makes them possess the idea that other people don't have a life and that their ideas about what should be done with other people's lives are supreme to any other suggestions?  I do not understand how some people can be so cruel to others.
High school.
I mean, does it look like I exist? Cause I do. When you get dumped, yes this is me saying hello to you why are looking the other way pretending not to know me? Well it's the same girl you were with yesterday. Parents. You want me to go to college where and major in what? Oh, I'm sorry, for a second there I thought this was YOUR life and not mine. No, wait, that was you.
Who do people think they are? Is it so very difficult to see that someone else is a human being just like you? That you are not the center of the universe? That maybe, just maybe, some people are more than they appear on the outside? That maybe you have been wrong all this time, and YOU are really the one that you are describing in your head?
 
People have always thought of me as average. Just one of many. Just some ol' girl - the same old same old...  Do I not deserve a shot at what greatness others have as well? Is it really just for a select few who have all the connections or get all their prayers answered - or is this really a fair life with fair chances for me to succeed just as much as the other guy who is looking down on me? Which is it?
Some girls have a prince charming. But do I deserve him, too?
Or am I just not good enough for that dream. 
 
Who knows.

So my Amanda leaves me tomorrow to go the mild tundra called Ruskie (aka Russia). Sigh. Life will just not be the same with out her. Sadly. She is gonna miss some monumental events in my life, and even though I know there will be e-mail and she will keep in touch, those events I wish somehow to share with her and it saddens me to think I won't be able to.
I am very happy for her and I think this experience will be the best for her, however, I miss her already. And I dont't even think she knows how much she means to me.
I am sad to see her go...

Amanda is the BESTEST companion at times (I mean, common, most all the time!!), but there are those times where it is just SO comfortable to have her around and know that she is there for you and you for her. She really is one of the most amiable persons I know and love - VERY dearly. Truly a lifelong relationship to hold onto - forever! :-D Thanks Amanda! ;-)

Amandaism of the week:
A:Has David ever been to America?
K:Yes - what kinda question is that?
A:Well, I forget that Canada and the US are so close!! I'm sorry!

"Ah," someone once said, "not for the wide world."

I guess that I cannot be Benedict, nor he I. Which entails that I may not think like him, walk like him, talk like him, hold honor like him. "Not for the wide world." No. Not at all for that. And definately not for me. In the least. I am but the dirt Benedict tread upon or the slap that he challenged with. But a tool compared to him who acts, to him who uses the likes of me. To he whose hat is buried with him, I am but a poor man in spirit whose hat is hung over him to remind him that his penance is far from over. Purgatory will become my home. Benedict will galliantly ride off into heaven slapping and stomping as he pleases. "As it pleases me." Except I am not. But he is. "As it pleases you." Then so be it.

I will cry for all my life, "hey nonny nonny."

I.
teeming
a thickness that only blood could see
and red could hear in my heart of ears
confused i stop
i stare at what i thought was me once
the sirens are all around me now
theyve come to take me away
but i already took myself to where i wanted to go
far away from here
this place that is green and overwhelming to me
my price continues to rise
but my value is decreasing daily
i sit on a shelf
in a world of plastic
im stuck in a smile
and its here that i cant escape from
all around me the teeth
the rows and rows of teeth
grow denser and flock
im a stranger to them all
my mouth is empty
worthless
things that go unspoken are worse when they are mistakenly seen
by you looking at me
here on this shelf
here on this stretcher
here on this world that goes round
and round
but has an end
maybe not in sight
but who can really see
who is really god
that placed me here to smile and pose
to be emptied and void
to want to see my own blood
inside me

II.
all these swaying suits
briefcases clanking against one another in the breeze
like reeds in unison dip and bend to the winds command
skirts in colour bloom overhead
they catch the breath and swirl and wave
migrating to where the Four Corners direct
they are the other
the trampled on
the underfoot
they are lost for words
except thier small protests of music
that can be heard when the air is particularly strong with them
and makes them brake at the base
or splits thier thin balloons
then they hit each other with force to prove
a lost thing unuttered
and whose chime to heavenly ears
is but the sound of walking
and treading upon the soft floor
of that far away world
where the suits and skirts can only dream of going
but mindless and willless
they shake and rattle on
not knowing what is above them
or what they could be
with a little water and sun
and six feet of spine

III.
i know, it sounds silly, but im walking
im walking and my hand is outstretched into the breeze with the tall grasses and little flies
im barefoot with out hesitation
im walking here on this soft ground and my hand is beating at the soft outside of me
my toes dig in search of something i lost a long time ago but cant seem to remember
i am almost sightless standing in a plain about to be blown away by the gentle breeze that has me enraptured with life and movement
the world sways with me
and all that is green sings around me
i am in the fallen forest of kafka
i come only when i am alone
where i can see myself walking and not be able to really exist
you cant exist with someone telling you you are real all the time
you have to escape all that
and get away from reality to where you were born - your mind
to where your heart got its first command to beat to love to exist to be
real
or whatever you want it to be for that matter
mine is green
it matches these plants and roamss freely with the insects from plant to plant wherever its heart will take it
doubling my meaning i suppose
you might when you are here
do the things you never thought youd do
here you are one with your mind your world your soul
where you really belong and where its really taking you
eventually
after your heart gets its last command to beat
and then stop existing
for real
for finally
the end of it all
and green will turn to brown for others
and my green will finally become what green is supposed to be
really
ouside of me
without me
and i will be with it
roaming
uncharted
and green
naked
from birth to death to life i am
green

-The Individual
On "A Study of Kafka's Fallen Forest"

another year.
another life.

may the songs i write this year be pleasing to the composer, and may the music i make with others be a harmonious melody...
its high time for a new year. thank you maestro....
- The Individual

Thank you for reading this if you do.
It can mean the world to me.
So, again, thank you.
- The Individual

cyclical, cyclical, cyclical....
round and round she goes, where she stops, no one knows...
ring around the rosie...

funny how life works like all that.

ok. songs. poetry. wine. god.
i wish i could write. i wish i could fly above the petty words of the world who doesnt see what i do... feel what i do... live as i have...
if i could cancel myself out... if i could delete my pain, what would that feel like? who would i be? where would i go next?
im supposively so free, so unfettered... and yet people dont see my insides... the cables that tie down my pain... my negitivity... my soul... the chords that i cant cut. no one can. im stuck here listening to someone elses symphony unfold as i struggle within and no one can see... no one can help... no one
ive almost forgotten what up is. down has become so comfortable. as comfortable as down can get. its become familiar. thats more like the word that i feel....the word that keeps the cables locked down.
i cant erase it. ive searched and searched.... and the search is useless. pointless. and harrowing to my heart. ive come this far, and i wont go any further cause theres no place left to go.
does your conscience bother you?

---<---<----@ Dedicated to Levi @--->--->---
Levi,
Hey... Im sorry I wasnt there this summer. You had so much life. You had so much left to accomplish, to see, to be.... Im sorry it wasnt me that fell. Im sorry that you are gone and I never got to know you all that well. Im sorry.
I know you can hear me. And Im gonna try to believe you forgive me.
Hope your wings work well and that the sunsets from above are even better than from below.
Happy Homecoming.
your cousin,
Me

so this is yesterday...
i think i liked today better.

so here i am again, wiping the dust off my face, my hair matted with a light tan hell. no, im not in the desert. im here, in canada. and yet, from all over the world it comes to me, the dust of the earth. this dust, it eats away at my flesh, pervading the deepest recesses of my heart. "...where it stops, no one knows..." i am tortured in an everyday life that is fogged by this dust storm from everywhere all at once. it comes and goes when it wants to, but most of the time it is here for at various moments all over the globe someone is sending it my way. it chews my mouth to bits, my tongue to shreds. all the while, i keep thinking to myself, "you know, this wouldnt taste so bad, if it didnt hurt so much." and still thier feet march on. they leave me in the dust. my friends leave me in thier wake, kicking up the dust of the earth as they go, releasing me from thier lives. no matter what i do, i just cant shake this dust from my body. saddened grains of it may remain forever on me, burning tiny holes in me to get to my heart. and still they march on...

i wonder if aloneness is all Rilke really says it is. ill find out soon enough.... gah.

do you ever just wish that you could say something to someone.... but you just cant? not at all. i wish there was some way... but i just cant. you want to shout it out, but you have to keep it in... screaming inside you. sometimes it hurts so much just because you can barely stand not to grab the person, look them in the eye, and commit conversational homicide. would it make you feel better? would it make life better? would it actually improve anything at all? the world may never know....

as of the 13th of August, i am an official Canadian resident.
i dont really need to say anything else....

let it be known: i loathe shopping for pants. jeans especially.
bleh, gah, pflth.... etc etc etc...

well, here i am. about to leave this God-forsaken country. or, if God has not yet forsaken it, He should have a long time ago. we dont deserve Him here. off to new and better worlds where i can learn, explore, and just be. ive missed that feeling. just being. its been months now since i have had it... well, actually only a couple. but a total of 4 months since i got back from travel. i lost myself, found myself, then misplaced myself at home. home is not where my heart is. it wants to leave as soon as it lands here. i cant wait to fly off again. and here i am, being graced with the ability to go somewhere i long to be with people i long to be with. finally, things are looking up for me, and life seems to have direction. i am going somewhere. i am going to be. finally...

America was born on this date. This date is supposed to mean freedom, independance, and on some level safety from all the evils in the world. Yet, to some troops, this was not the case. To some troops who fought for us, believed in us, and did what they were told without questions, this might even seem completely false now. For some troops never made it back. From where? Why? From China in WWII and Korea. They were too deep in to be pulled out quickly. What happened to them you may ask? They were left there. Ok, so how many are we talking here? Around 50? 500? No. 23,000 troops. How do you leave 23,000 people somewhere you ask? Good question. Ask uncle sam, who was supposed to be looking out for them while they were looking out for us.

On this day, I choose not to remember all the men who fought to save this country, but rather the men who went to fight and were left standing - by thier own country they loved.

A Tribute To Canada for Canada Day:


O Canada
Though one cow went astray
Hoser though it was
We will eat your beef someday
You gave us many stars
That truly light the way
Like Homer Simpson and Wayne Gretsky
You spell words weird
Like you're all smart and cool
Clark Kents another star
He even wrote for you
You basically invented laughter
When you gave us Carrey and Myers
Not to mention
Those beer drinking brothers, eh
Timbits are great
The push-up bra, too
And without basketball
We wouldn't have another sport to call an American past time....
ahem
Oh Canada
Thank you for zippers and skidoos
Oh Canada
Thank you for Pekwachnamaykoskwaskwaypinwanik Lake
OOOOO CAAAAANNNNAAAADDDDAAA
We stand on guard for thee....

(that is until you infect us with disease)
(yes, we Americans are just that fickle)

A Poem:

The horizon is futile
With thoughts of its own
The day wears on
Like fly paper to skin
The only thing to think on
Is what is right and what is wrong
In this maddening array of fire
That licks at my heels
As I walk a wire
Between what I know
And what has yet to happen
On one side to fall
The other to fly
My perception is real
That everything is drawing
A line to the end of all
Where all and the end will meet
And there will I be at last
At the bottom
Below the world
Here I will rise
To meet my doom
I am lonely
Is that right
Is it wrong to want to be
To be for others
What I would see myself as
Or am I a seed
That will lie in bed
All of my life
Never to see the sun
Nor any other like myself
I await my fate
In the darkness of soil
Waiting....

jealousy. it is my worst characteristic.... it can eat me up. i dont like it. i dont want it to be there. i have worked on it for years, and just when i think it is getting better, well, something comes up and i ... i get jealous. instead of being happy or joyful for someone, i envy them. how horrible is that? honestly, that is not what a real friend should be or do. it hurts me everytime these thoughts pop into my head....
and the worst part about it is i often envy other's love.
that could possibly be the worst thing to covet.
horrible.

may my future husband never contract philophobia. amen.

things i could do if i dont get into college:
1. busk in vancouver
2. buy, sell, and trade cardboard boxes to homeless people
3. hitchhike across america
4. be a beach bum in California (and learn to surf in the process)
5. stowaway back to europe on a ship and hire myself out as an English teacher
6. go to community college (yeah, right)
7. stand in front of past aquaintances from school and charge a minumum fee for them to mock me
8. make very poor quality "third world" stuff and sell it on a blanket in downtown
9. cry
10. the glass is half full.... half full.... its still half full.... crap.

so many good presents!! the best birthday i have ever had! so many good friends i have been blessed with!! if only i could do it all over again.... such is life...
at least i am not on fire..... right?
thank you for making my melody a little more clear, Composer.....it is so refreshing! :) may we write some of the best and most beautiful music together this coming year!!

why did you write love on my heart and keep it just out of my reach? what song are you conducting for me now? i dont understand your timing....

i just want to take a minute to give some background on what i did the other day. about a year ago, i realized i was tired. really, really tired. when i went to europe, i realized i was tired of being tired... and later that i didnt have to be tired if i didnt want to be. so, i gave up the bigger portion of my anger, hate, hurt, sadness, and pain up - for good. i am tired - both emotionally and physically - of carrying it around... just to save myself the trouble of facing my demons. i faced the biggest demon of my life, and i forgave him; i gave him up - along with everything that he did to me and the consequences of his actions.
dad, i went to forgive you. i dont think i was ever that ready. i hoped that you would be ready to hear what i had to say.
ironic how you werent there... again...

thank you Maestro for gifting us with the ability to grow... there aren't words to describe how grateful i am for this...

i wonder if anyone actually reads these things... or if i am just rambling to myself. huh.
i think that the Maestro of the universe couldve bipassed sinus cavities. seriously. without them, there would be no allergies of the nasal kind.... what a glorious thought...
this a moment when i wonder if anyone actually reads these things... and for this one i feel sorry if you do...

it is during a rainstorm that things can become so fresh. everything is wiped clean, but usually not without expense: the tree you loved so dearly from your childhood, your new rose garden, or even carpet damage to your house. yet these things tend to make us rebuild, reshape, and renew ourselves in ways that we might not have had the storm not helped us along. refreshing isnt it?

sometimes, i wonder if people could touch you, and automatically sense what you are feeling or learn something that happened in your life personally, would the world be a much different place? try doing that without the ability to people who have no understanding of what you are trying to share, and things become much more difficult. everyone is right about me, until they learn my heart. then i think things might need to be rethought some...
sure, im spoiled. sure, im selfish. sure, im bitchy. sure, im a loner. but who isnt in one way or about something they admire? of course, if you were to comprehend what my past was, then maybe you could walk in my shoes. until then, ill just keep trying to touch you - hoping that the power to share my life will come to me....

f**k me.
not the literal kind. just a sort of insane way of saying that i wish i didnt exist for about half an hour or so. enough time to regain my sanity.
there are no guarantees that it would work....

audblog audio post

just a little taste of poetry for the courageous. :) a mere thought to some and a deep concept for others.... may this at least make you smile!

audblog audio post

and introduction for me into the world of AudBlogging.... haha laugh with me now...

Sometimes I honestly wonder what the definition of "friendship" is.

I can't think of anything else to say on this at the moment...

I have yet to feel as old as when I look at my now geriatric dog. It is quite sad, really. She now limps about on different feet due to the arthritis in her back and paws.... Her back is so bent... She cannot remember where she is or what to do in certain circumstances...
When she dies, so does an era... an era of my life that I will never get back nor be able to share more intimately than my dog has experienced.
The older you get, the harder things get... and the sweeter, too.

I have never thought of crashing as a good thing until now. One would consider crashing into anything a particularly unpleasant experience... and yet i have found at least one case in which it is not. Though I must admit that Tennessee lambs do not really captivate my soul nor dixie chickens make me rethink my theories on life.... and yet, sometimes simplicity is the best way of getting to know someone on a deeper level. I just wish that I could actually be in the simple place... dixie land... maybe I am not the one who should go anywhere. Or maybe I have already been and know where I must be now.

I went to Europe to find out what I was supposed to major in at school... and I have returned knowing everything except that which I had hoped to find. Now I know where I must be, with whom I must associate myself with, and - consequently - what I must do. At least for tomorrow. One day at a time you know...

I must say though that I had forgotten how refreshing direction is....

I am so bored. Ok, not exactly bored persay, but nicely tired and relaxed with nothing to do.... sigh, not that I am complaining or anything. Sometimes I think that writers block is caused by lack of interesting things going on in ones life. So, either your life is good and your writing dwindles, or you are in a sucky spot and your writing is INcredible. The world may never know...

Gosh darn life is confusing.
I guess without the confusing bits, it would be boring though. :\ hmmm Would a boring life be a normal one? And, if it were normal, wouldn't that be considered weird? So, technically, there can be no normal?
Huh.

Ahhhhhhhh
Refreshing isn't it?

How does life get to this place? It seems I havent been here for a long time. I didnt neglect this, I just had to grow up. I dont really know if anyone reads these things, or if it is for personal gain only, but I have changed. Life for me has taken a different turn, and now I'm me. I've never been this person before. It's nice to step outside my world and into who I wanted to be. Now who I wanted to be has become the real me! :) And life is now life - not some hell im trapped in.
Now, I'm joyful. Take note: joy and happiness are two different things.
Now, I want. Take note: want and need are two different things.
Now, I love. Take note: love is of the will, not the heart.

I'll be a "legal" adult soon... but I've already taken that step in my mind. I took that step when i was three; I just now filled those shoes I always stepped out of.

Thank you for your patience...

Jordan Smearker is the biggest ASS in the WORLD.

Ladies, take note....
- The Individual

A dedication to Richard Summey on his memorial concert day: @----->------>-----

May you fly
May you be free
The star I saw that night
Surely was your wave
Your way to say
I'm here, I'm safe
I'm fufilled
And you will be ok
Things will be alright
Life will go on
Just remember to keep in sight
The one thing that matters most
Him
Goodbye...

- The Individual

I hate technology. Love hate relationship #1.
- The Individual

Blessed be music.
Without my sense of hearing, without my ears, without notes and the instruments who make them possible - Who would I be? If I ever go deaf, someone please shoot me.
Thank you.
- The Individual

Sometimes I intercept a symphony that I don't mean to and often times cold-heartedly wish that I hadn't. But it's these symphonies that change me - mold me into the person I am now and will be when all is said and done. Some symphonies aren't as beautiful as others, some have flaws, some are missing instruments - but they are still a symphony regardless. I am not the Great Composer, and yet sometimes I act like it. Sometimes I pretend that it is my work that has made someone better or different. I act like it is my doing when things go well or right when in fact I have no control over any of this. Sure, I make decisions, but He made the ultimate decision to put me here in the first place. Even I need work, continuous labor to make my song sound pleasing. And, even then, my song simply goes out of tune so easily, instuments come and go from the group, and my notes and timing can get off track - out of sync. All the while, I am here and trying to discern others hearts and tell them how they should be.
Why must I be so manipulative? Who do I think that I am? I am not the One that composes this whole masterpiece we call the human race, so who am I to try and change what He so beautifully placed here. The diversity is for harmony, and all the while I have been trying to make it a melody.
Oh to be the angel that waits on Him. To know Him so well. To not be here and have this will, this hateful heart of mine that seeks to do the opposite of His Song. Oh to be an angel - to be with Him as we speak.
Why do I think that I have it so hard all the time? Who am I to speak on heartache and pain? For I have seen a hurt greater than mine and have realized that they are out there. Who am I to try and yell at the moon to change its path or the stars to change thier course? I have no right to complain or to hold disdain towards the Great Composer who designes each planets dance and each stars coordinates. I hold my mouth in utter awe that I have breeched a line that mortals cannot cross. My complaining is nothing and so am I. No more complaining do I have now to give for I am blessed to have a father, I am blessed to have reached my twentieth birthday, I am blessed to have friends at all...

I have been so caught up in turning twenty and hating it that I missed it completely. It's gone and I'll never get it back. Ever.
I have been so caught up in my love for a mortal that I have lost my love and sight of Him, the One I promised myself to for the next 8 months.
I have been so caught up in myself that I have yet to do something so simple as call someone on thier birthday when they have done that for me for 8 years straight.
I have been so stupid. I have been so self-absorbed. I have been so lazy. I have been so useless.
I have been a stranger in the eyes of The Maker.

God forgive me.
- The Individual

I heard the most beautiful sound in the whole world yesterday. The notes of Nocturne live played by the sweetest sounding soul one could ever find...

I visited some of Lysanders relatives today. They weren't too happy to see me, I am sad to say. One of them wouldn't look at me, and the other two just rolled thier eyes and glared. It was very intimidating. Luckily, I had my best friend from high school with me...

The day 5/22/2002 is going down as one of the best days of my life.
- The Individual

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO LYSANDER. @--->-->-----

Today I saved a life and destroyed one.

Whilst walking outside this morning I saw an innocent snail trying to cross the sidewalk as the sun was rising above the houses. Knowing the inevitable, I politely picked him up and explained to him the reason for my rude interruption of his journey. Then, I placed him safe and sound amogst the bushes. I think he understood.

When I walked inside, I decided to stop by lizards cage because I suddenly realized that I had neglected him for several days. When I tapped on the cage, there was no movement. Then in the fake leaves I saw a tail and some toes terribly withered, and realized the inevitable - he had died. I had waited too long to feed him - I suddenly realized how long it had been and what I had done. I don't think he understood.

I wish I could have explained to him what happened. I wish I could say I am sorry. When you think about it, I deprived him life just as easily as someone could deprive me of it. All in all, I did a horrendous thing to one of the Creator's individual masterpieces. I personally erased a little melody from this earth - I am not the Great Composer and therefore have no right to do so.

I am sorry Lysander, and I hope that you are in a much better place right now. May your song be eternal...
- The Individual

Isn't it incredible how so much can change so quickly? I mean honestly, in an instant you can be poor from the stockmarket crashing, paralyzed from a car wreck, or divorced when you see your spouse with another.... all in an instant. In just one moment you can meet a whole new circle of friends at a party you never intended going to, meet your future spouse by bumping into each other on the street accidentally, or winning a car because one of your friends thought it'd be funny just to put your name in a hat.... in just one moment.
Take one day, all of the random chances and happenings, and multiply that by 365 - you have one hell of a specticle when looking at a bunch of lives you used to spend everyday with. High School graduation - returning for the first time - being on the outside looking into what you never thought would happen to you... actually graduating, and then being the one returning.

In one moment, in one brief instance, I told someone how I felt. In another that someone shared back. But in the end, we both were the wiser. Two moments make a right I guess....

And don't you hate it when people DO NOT listen to you? You tell someone something so serious, obviously meaning whatever it was that you told them, and then they BLATENTLY disregard it and do exactly what you told them not to.... Sometimes human nature amazes me. Acutally, it amazes me all the time...
- The Individual

So I got to hear a beautiful symphony last night. For the first time in a long time someones soul sang to mine, and it was a great comfort. The music that we shared through laughter and stories was of the most complex and melodious kind that I have found. How I missed that composer...
I am very grateful for much in my life. But, without my mother, I would not be here to be thankful for anything. So it is with great honor that I thank my mother today for bringing me into this world. I love you SO much. May the Great Composer bless you for everything that you have done for me, and may your reward in heaven be greater than I could ever give you here on Earth... I love you momma.
To all of the moms out there, and even single dads, enjoy today because everything you work for is celebrated today. You ALL are the true composers of music, for you teach us how to direct our melodies in ways that will best benefit us and others in our lives. Thank you, you are truly a blessing. What would the worlds symphonies sound like without you to guide us?
What a truly wonderful day all around.
- The Individual

I meant the volume to the simple melody, not to every harmony there is.
How am I to distinguish my heart from my head for the lines of music interweave and are so intertwined that I cannot tell them apart at times. Like now.
Show me a melody that I can follow.
For one cannot create a symphony without distinct and separate lines of music!
I'm up to my knees in black notes here....
- The Individual

My dear friend wishes to say hello to the world:

Hello World.

That was enjoyable.
Being in the presence of this friend reminds me that I am not alone. That someone just might be able to understand me, even if it does take years to describe what I mean sentence by sentence...
The calmness that One can bring is a simple song - the most basic of melodies that all symphonies can build off of. It just seems that the melody fades and gets harder and harder to hear....
Great Composer, could you turn the volume up a bit?
- The Individual

I'm nervous. Really, really nervous. Why, you may ask, am I so nervous? Well I have four days till it comes. FOUR. My heart is leaking hope as we speak. I have thought and spoken and written all I can about it, and still I'm not sure that I can say the right thing. So here I am writing about it and trying not to think about what it is I am going to say as much as I am bitching about being nervous...Sigh...It doesn't even know how much I care...

Did I mention that I am nervous?
Cause I am...
- The Individual

As a fellow writer once put into a word that I wish I had created:
Bllleugggggghhhhh.

Amen.
-The Individual

After all the struggles, after all the time, after all the effort, after all is said and done - I am sad to go. I have met people here that have made this place my home. I thought it would never happen, thought I'd never fit in, thought I'd never find a place of my own, thought I might have to start all over again - but now, the months I've waited and the lonliness I felt seems so distant to my heart looking back...
I guess time does fly fast when you are having fun, even if it is months after when you were bored.

Sometimes I wish that I was a musical prodigy. Now I know that sounds rediculous, but my soul longs to sing of thanks and praise, of struggles and pain, and of what my heartstrings are playing for the day. I wish to share what my soul really feels. I guess I have conned my way into thinking that if I could put my feelings into music that people might actually understand me for once in my life, that instead of talking and no one understanding - I could just play and people would automatically feel what I have so longed to communicate to them.... but have failed miserably in doing so.
Even in writing I fall short of a gifted enough pen to express how I feel in a way that is easily understood with just a quick glance.
I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be normal.... can people understand you?
- The Individual

Can I just say that I love drum solos?
I love drum solos.
The End.
- The Individual

So here I go again... another day another measure I suppose. As if this isn't complicated enough already, I have to go and add a bunch of people to my worries... Someday, I'll bask in the freedom of a worryless world where I am smiling all the time. Until then, however, worry on I shall for now! And if it gets me down, there is always music.
Nocturne here I come...
- The Individual

You have to love the spry notes that concern a truly marvelous classical piece. They sort of hit you like they are trying to gain your attention or have just a few more moments to live and have to communicate all they know very quickly to you before they pass on. Sometimes they can almost control your emotions with the urgency with which they address you.
All this to say that a truly marvelous symphony explores your emotions and your intellect in a way that you should address life: with order and precision - control of both your mind and your heart. For, as I have learned, it is when you lose control of these that you lose control of yourself and consequently lose who you are.
So, stick to the symphony of your soul and learn to control it.
The world will then be at your fingertips...
- The Individual

Have you ever been out on a walk and you are already deep in thought - about whatever it is that made you go out for a walk - when you step in some gum? Not just any gum though - the hot, melted Texas gum that sorta sticks to your shoe and will never come off. So you get as much off as you can with a stick and continue walking. Well, you round the corner and you notice that something is brushing up against your leg. When you look down, you see that they gum has now accumulated a large quantity of other various objects - that are now stuck to your shoe. Disgruntled, you return home. You scrap what you can off onto the curb, and then you walk in, innocently. All the while tracking leaves in on the white carpet - all because of that damned gum.
What were you thinking about again?
If anyone finds a life size bottle of goo gone, let me know. My life's shoe has quite the wad on it...
- The Individual

Couldn't get it off my mind today. All day long, time slowed and everything moved as if stuck in space somwhere far off - just out of my reach.
Molasses.
I visited the school yesterday. Thought of it then as well. Time moved fast - and it also moved slow - while I was there. It was like I was back there for good and yet out for ten years, all at the same moment....
So here I sat this morning, listening to Nocturne, the slow time sticking to my flesh like it wanted me to personally carry it across the expanse of the universe. I said no, and then respectfully sat down to write, as I always do. You never will believe what happened... I wrote what could finally be understood - I think, I hope...
And here I am now, letting my words run out...
- The Individual

Today I figured alot out for myself. I woke up and things just seemed a little bit clearer, just a tad bolder, and just a smidge more - well - individual.
I wrote a symphony to someones soul today, and I finally understood something: I can only go so far. Since I can only go so far, I am having to put more and more into someone elses hands - the Great Composer. And, after that, I was more free - all day. I guess we'll just see if it lasts till tomorrow. Whenever that comes...
I just wish that I knew more than I do, and until then it is all up to You.
- The Indvidual