Sometimes I intercept a symphony that I don't mean to and often times cold-heartedly wish that I hadn't. But it's these symphonies that change me - mold me into the person I am now and will be when all is said and done. Some symphonies aren't as beautiful as others, some have flaws, some are missing instruments - but they are still a symphony regardless. I am not the Great Composer, and yet sometimes I act like it. Sometimes I pretend that it is my work that has made someone better or different. I act like it is my doing when things go well or right when in fact I have no control over any of this. Sure, I make decisions, but He made the ultimate decision to put me here in the first place. Even I need work, continuous labor to make my song sound pleasing. And, even then, my song simply goes out of tune so easily, instuments come and go from the group, and my notes and timing can get off track - out of sync. All the while, I am here and trying to discern others hearts and tell them how they should be.
Why must I be so manipulative? Who do I think that I am? I am not the One that composes this whole masterpiece we call the human race, so who am I to try and change what He so beautifully placed here. The diversity is for harmony, and all the while I have been trying to make it a melody.
Oh to be the angel that waits on Him. To know Him so well. To not be here and have this will, this hateful heart of mine that seeks to do the opposite of His Song. Oh to be an angel - to be with Him as we speak.
Why do I think that I have it so hard all the time? Who am I to speak on heartache and pain? For I have seen a hurt greater than mine and have realized that they are out there. Who am I to try and yell at the moon to change its path or the stars to change thier course? I have no right to complain or to hold disdain towards the Great Composer who designes each planets dance and each stars coordinates. I hold my mouth in utter awe that I have breeched a line that mortals cannot cross. My complaining is nothing and so am I. No more complaining do I have now to give for I am blessed to have a father, I am blessed to have reached my twentieth birthday, I am blessed to have friends at all...

I have been so caught up in turning twenty and hating it that I missed it completely. It's gone and I'll never get it back. Ever.
I have been so caught up in my love for a mortal that I have lost my love and sight of Him, the One I promised myself to for the next 8 months.
I have been so caught up in myself that I have yet to do something so simple as call someone on thier birthday when they have done that for me for 8 years straight.
I have been so stupid. I have been so self-absorbed. I have been so lazy. I have been so useless.
I have been a stranger in the eyes of The Maker.

God forgive me.
- The Individual

I heard the most beautiful sound in the whole world yesterday. The notes of Nocturne live played by the sweetest sounding soul one could ever find...

I visited some of Lysanders relatives today. They weren't too happy to see me, I am sad to say. One of them wouldn't look at me, and the other two just rolled thier eyes and glared. It was very intimidating. Luckily, I had my best friend from high school with me...

The day 5/22/2002 is going down as one of the best days of my life.
- The Individual

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO LYSANDER. @--->-->-----

Today I saved a life and destroyed one.

Whilst walking outside this morning I saw an innocent snail trying to cross the sidewalk as the sun was rising above the houses. Knowing the inevitable, I politely picked him up and explained to him the reason for my rude interruption of his journey. Then, I placed him safe and sound amogst the bushes. I think he understood.

When I walked inside, I decided to stop by lizards cage because I suddenly realized that I had neglected him for several days. When I tapped on the cage, there was no movement. Then in the fake leaves I saw a tail and some toes terribly withered, and realized the inevitable - he had died. I had waited too long to feed him - I suddenly realized how long it had been and what I had done. I don't think he understood.

I wish I could have explained to him what happened. I wish I could say I am sorry. When you think about it, I deprived him life just as easily as someone could deprive me of it. All in all, I did a horrendous thing to one of the Creator's individual masterpieces. I personally erased a little melody from this earth - I am not the Great Composer and therefore have no right to do so.

I am sorry Lysander, and I hope that you are in a much better place right now. May your song be eternal...
- The Individual

Isn't it incredible how so much can change so quickly? I mean honestly, in an instant you can be poor from the stockmarket crashing, paralyzed from a car wreck, or divorced when you see your spouse with another.... all in an instant. In just one moment you can meet a whole new circle of friends at a party you never intended going to, meet your future spouse by bumping into each other on the street accidentally, or winning a car because one of your friends thought it'd be funny just to put your name in a hat.... in just one moment.
Take one day, all of the random chances and happenings, and multiply that by 365 - you have one hell of a specticle when looking at a bunch of lives you used to spend everyday with. High School graduation - returning for the first time - being on the outside looking into what you never thought would happen to you... actually graduating, and then being the one returning.

In one moment, in one brief instance, I told someone how I felt. In another that someone shared back. But in the end, we both were the wiser. Two moments make a right I guess....

And don't you hate it when people DO NOT listen to you? You tell someone something so serious, obviously meaning whatever it was that you told them, and then they BLATENTLY disregard it and do exactly what you told them not to.... Sometimes human nature amazes me. Acutally, it amazes me all the time...
- The Individual

So I got to hear a beautiful symphony last night. For the first time in a long time someones soul sang to mine, and it was a great comfort. The music that we shared through laughter and stories was of the most complex and melodious kind that I have found. How I missed that composer...
I am very grateful for much in my life. But, without my mother, I would not be here to be thankful for anything. So it is with great honor that I thank my mother today for bringing me into this world. I love you SO much. May the Great Composer bless you for everything that you have done for me, and may your reward in heaven be greater than I could ever give you here on Earth... I love you momma.
To all of the moms out there, and even single dads, enjoy today because everything you work for is celebrated today. You ALL are the true composers of music, for you teach us how to direct our melodies in ways that will best benefit us and others in our lives. Thank you, you are truly a blessing. What would the worlds symphonies sound like without you to guide us?
What a truly wonderful day all around.
- The Individual

I meant the volume to the simple melody, not to every harmony there is.
How am I to distinguish my heart from my head for the lines of music interweave and are so intertwined that I cannot tell them apart at times. Like now.
Show me a melody that I can follow.
For one cannot create a symphony without distinct and separate lines of music!
I'm up to my knees in black notes here....
- The Individual

My dear friend wishes to say hello to the world:

Hello World.

That was enjoyable.
Being in the presence of this friend reminds me that I am not alone. That someone just might be able to understand me, even if it does take years to describe what I mean sentence by sentence...
The calmness that One can bring is a simple song - the most basic of melodies that all symphonies can build off of. It just seems that the melody fades and gets harder and harder to hear....
Great Composer, could you turn the volume up a bit?
- The Individual

I'm nervous. Really, really nervous. Why, you may ask, am I so nervous? Well I have four days till it comes. FOUR. My heart is leaking hope as we speak. I have thought and spoken and written all I can about it, and still I'm not sure that I can say the right thing. So here I am writing about it and trying not to think about what it is I am going to say as much as I am bitching about being nervous...Sigh...It doesn't even know how much I care...

Did I mention that I am nervous?
Cause I am...
- The Individual

As a fellow writer once put into a word that I wish I had created:
Bllleugggggghhhhh.

Amen.
-The Individual

After all the struggles, after all the time, after all the effort, after all is said and done - I am sad to go. I have met people here that have made this place my home. I thought it would never happen, thought I'd never fit in, thought I'd never find a place of my own, thought I might have to start all over again - but now, the months I've waited and the lonliness I felt seems so distant to my heart looking back...
I guess time does fly fast when you are having fun, even if it is months after when you were bored.

Sometimes I wish that I was a musical prodigy. Now I know that sounds rediculous, but my soul longs to sing of thanks and praise, of struggles and pain, and of what my heartstrings are playing for the day. I wish to share what my soul really feels. I guess I have conned my way into thinking that if I could put my feelings into music that people might actually understand me for once in my life, that instead of talking and no one understanding - I could just play and people would automatically feel what I have so longed to communicate to them.... but have failed miserably in doing so.
Even in writing I fall short of a gifted enough pen to express how I feel in a way that is easily understood with just a quick glance.
I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to be normal.... can people understand you?
- The Individual

Can I just say that I love drum solos?
I love drum solos.
The End.
- The Individual

So here I go again... another day another measure I suppose. As if this isn't complicated enough already, I have to go and add a bunch of people to my worries... Someday, I'll bask in the freedom of a worryless world where I am smiling all the time. Until then, however, worry on I shall for now! And if it gets me down, there is always music.
Nocturne here I come...
- The Individual

You have to love the spry notes that concern a truly marvelous classical piece. They sort of hit you like they are trying to gain your attention or have just a few more moments to live and have to communicate all they know very quickly to you before they pass on. Sometimes they can almost control your emotions with the urgency with which they address you.
All this to say that a truly marvelous symphony explores your emotions and your intellect in a way that you should address life: with order and precision - control of both your mind and your heart. For, as I have learned, it is when you lose control of these that you lose control of yourself and consequently lose who you are.
So, stick to the symphony of your soul and learn to control it.
The world will then be at your fingertips...
- The Individual

Have you ever been out on a walk and you are already deep in thought - about whatever it is that made you go out for a walk - when you step in some gum? Not just any gum though - the hot, melted Texas gum that sorta sticks to your shoe and will never come off. So you get as much off as you can with a stick and continue walking. Well, you round the corner and you notice that something is brushing up against your leg. When you look down, you see that they gum has now accumulated a large quantity of other various objects - that are now stuck to your shoe. Disgruntled, you return home. You scrap what you can off onto the curb, and then you walk in, innocently. All the while tracking leaves in on the white carpet - all because of that damned gum.
What were you thinking about again?
If anyone finds a life size bottle of goo gone, let me know. My life's shoe has quite the wad on it...
- The Individual

Couldn't get it off my mind today. All day long, time slowed and everything moved as if stuck in space somwhere far off - just out of my reach.
Molasses.
I visited the school yesterday. Thought of it then as well. Time moved fast - and it also moved slow - while I was there. It was like I was back there for good and yet out for ten years, all at the same moment....
So here I sat this morning, listening to Nocturne, the slow time sticking to my flesh like it wanted me to personally carry it across the expanse of the universe. I said no, and then respectfully sat down to write, as I always do. You never will believe what happened... I wrote what could finally be understood - I think, I hope...
And here I am now, letting my words run out...
- The Individual

Today I figured alot out for myself. I woke up and things just seemed a little bit clearer, just a tad bolder, and just a smidge more - well - individual.
I wrote a symphony to someones soul today, and I finally understood something: I can only go so far. Since I can only go so far, I am having to put more and more into someone elses hands - the Great Composer. And, after that, I was more free - all day. I guess we'll just see if it lasts till tomorrow. Whenever that comes...
I just wish that I knew more than I do, and until then it is all up to You.
- The Indvidual