so here i am again, wiping the dust off my face, my hair matted with a light tan hell. no, im not in the desert. im here, in canada. and yet, from all over the world it comes to me, the dust of the earth. this dust, it eats away at my flesh, pervading the deepest recesses of my heart. "...where it stops, no one knows..." i am tortured in an everyday life that is fogged by this dust storm from everywhere all at once. it comes and goes when it wants to, but most of the time it is here for at various moments all over the globe someone is sending it my way. it chews my mouth to bits, my tongue to shreds. all the while, i keep thinking to myself, "you know, this wouldnt taste so bad, if it didnt hurt so much." and still thier feet march on. they leave me in the dust. my friends leave me in thier wake, kicking up the dust of the earth as they go, releasing me from thier lives. no matter what i do, i just cant shake this dust from my body. saddened grains of it may remain forever on me, burning tiny holes in me to get to my heart. and still they march on...

i wonder if aloneness is all Rilke really says it is. ill find out soon enough.... gah.

do you ever just wish that you could say something to someone.... but you just cant? not at all. i wish there was some way... but i just cant. you want to shout it out, but you have to keep it in... screaming inside you. sometimes it hurts so much just because you can barely stand not to grab the person, look them in the eye, and commit conversational homicide. would it make you feel better? would it make life better? would it actually improve anything at all? the world may never know....

as of the 13th of August, i am an official Canadian resident.
i dont really need to say anything else....

let it be known: i loathe shopping for pants. jeans especially.
bleh, gah, pflth.... etc etc etc...

well, here i am. about to leave this God-forsaken country. or, if God has not yet forsaken it, He should have a long time ago. we dont deserve Him here. off to new and better worlds where i can learn, explore, and just be. ive missed that feeling. just being. its been months now since i have had it... well, actually only a couple. but a total of 4 months since i got back from travel. i lost myself, found myself, then misplaced myself at home. home is not where my heart is. it wants to leave as soon as it lands here. i cant wait to fly off again. and here i am, being graced with the ability to go somewhere i long to be with people i long to be with. finally, things are looking up for me, and life seems to have direction. i am going somewhere. i am going to be. finally...