A Poem:

The horizon is futile
With thoughts of its own
The day wears on
Like fly paper to skin
The only thing to think on
Is what is right and what is wrong
In this maddening array of fire
That licks at my heels
As I walk a wire
Between what I know
And what has yet to happen
On one side to fall
The other to fly
My perception is real
That everything is drawing
A line to the end of all
Where all and the end will meet
And there will I be at last
At the bottom
Below the world
Here I will rise
To meet my doom
I am lonely
Is that right
Is it wrong to want to be
To be for others
What I would see myself as
Or am I a seed
That will lie in bed
All of my life
Never to see the sun
Nor any other like myself
I await my fate
In the darkness of soil
Waiting....

jealousy. it is my worst characteristic.... it can eat me up. i dont like it. i dont want it to be there. i have worked on it for years, and just when i think it is getting better, well, something comes up and i ... i get jealous. instead of being happy or joyful for someone, i envy them. how horrible is that? honestly, that is not what a real friend should be or do. it hurts me everytime these thoughts pop into my head....
and the worst part about it is i often envy other's love.
that could possibly be the worst thing to covet.
horrible.

may my future husband never contract philophobia. amen.

things i could do if i dont get into college:
1. busk in vancouver
2. buy, sell, and trade cardboard boxes to homeless people
3. hitchhike across america
4. be a beach bum in California (and learn to surf in the process)
5. stowaway back to europe on a ship and hire myself out as an English teacher
6. go to community college (yeah, right)
7. stand in front of past aquaintances from school and charge a minumum fee for them to mock me
8. make very poor quality "third world" stuff and sell it on a blanket in downtown
9. cry
10. the glass is half full.... half full.... its still half full.... crap.

so many good presents!! the best birthday i have ever had! so many good friends i have been blessed with!! if only i could do it all over again.... such is life...
at least i am not on fire..... right?
thank you for making my melody a little more clear, Composer.....it is so refreshing! :) may we write some of the best and most beautiful music together this coming year!!